Post by DarkDeityofDespair on Dec 21, 2012 19:58:01 GMT -5
I know that a lot of people are bullied, and I'm just plain sick and tired of seeing people be hurt by others. Why are you hurting people that probably already have at least one problem, if not more to deal with? Why are you making it worse for them to such an extent that some of them take their own lives because they see it as the only way out. They see it as their escape from the pain...the suffering...the bully.
Now teasing, that is absolutely different. You know that sort of happy kidding and joking around with people that actually care about your well-being. Such as "You know you'd be on the moon faster than you could get that girl to be yours." and things like that.
I have my own experiences with bullies. I've been bullied since the 4th grade, when I was in the advanced class of all places. They started labeling me "emo" and started a rumor that I was dating a girl, even though we were just friends... that was the first time I've been told that it'd be better if I just died.
Fast forward into 6th grade. You would think that starting middle school would be so much better than elementary school. You're dead wrong. I was still being made fun of for the rumor, plus I was kind of...chunky for a kid. They made fun of me during P.E. because I had a scar in my knee from stitches that didn't heal right...and that's why I couldn't run as quickly as others, plus adding the fact that I almost died from an asthma attack when I was three and still haven't recovered fully.
Sigh...finally, here's where it starts getting really bad...finally, just this past summer, I had my first girlfriend. It was long distance, but she was in Tennessee and I in Illinois. We fell madly in love with each other and talked to each other every day for three weeks. She went into the hospital, because A. She had a stillborn, and B. She had attempted suicide because of her ex...
I was heartbroken.
My whole world shattered into pieces when I thought that she had died...thank goodness, she survived...but she didn't talk to me for almost a week. I understood that she needs space after something like that...and then she broke my heart, telling me it was all my fault since I didn't talk to her and turned her friend Sean against her...when I tried talking all the time, and she didn't answer...I felt emotionally and mentally scarred... I didn't do a single thing for a week except eat, go to the bathroom, and sleep...hardly doing that much.
Then another girl came into my life named Angelica...this too, being a long distance relationship, and she was the one who helped me get through all the things Bree put me through. She lived all the way in New Jersey...we always talked to each other, at least for a few weeks... then she started becoming more and more withdrawn from me...she starting falling into depression...and I helped her through it.
But I did something I regret to this day.
I cheated on her and did some things over the email with a girl from Virginia...I didn't mean to...but I felt like I didn't matter to Angelica anymore...so I broke up with her for...three long, heart-wrenching days. I felt...cold. I felt alone. I felt...suicidal. Thankfully, I had enough self control...not to do anything stupid.
So I broke things off with the girl from Virginia...and came back, crawling on my hands and knees to Angelica...and she accepted me back, even though I always felt that she didn't trust me...how could she with the mistake I made?
So we kept that going...for another month...I felt unloved and unwanted in my soul...because I knew that I'd probably never hold her...kiss her...be able to hang out with her and hold her hand and always be there when she needed me...ever. I knew that my mom would probably go crazy without me... plus I was being pressured by my friend Brandon to get a girlfriend that's in town...
I fell deep into depression...I thought that I could never get up, but somehow...I pulled myself up, dusted myself off, recognized my mistakes for what they were and decided that I would try my very very best not to cheat on anyone...because nobody deserves to be hurt by the one they like/love.
So back on the topic of bullies, this year I had two main bullies. Colton and John. Both of them douches. Colton moved away in October so I don't have to deal with him... John, I have to deal with every day at school (since we have band together and we're the same instrument.) He punches me, calls me hurtful names, etc...
I met Samantha the day the 29th of September, the day before I broke up with Angelica...I told her... "I'm sorry Angel...but I can't handle the distance anymore...I'm getting depressed every single day because I know that I'll probably never hold you in my arms...or kiss your lips...or anything...I would have been your prince...but I know that we will probably not meet in real life...so I think it's best we end this before either of us get hurt any more than we already hurting..."
So now I know what you'll be saying. "Did you have a crush on Samantha from the second you laid eyes on her?" The answer is...yes. I thought that she is absolutely beautiful in every single way to me, from her personality, to her looks. So over the course of late night talks, drama practices, and countless hugs, I told her that I really...really liked her.
She said...that she was so sorry..but she couldn't feel like that about me...she wished that she could have, but she was still so confused about her ex...and I respected that and said that it was alright and that I'd always be there if she needed me and we continued talking, her knowing how I felt about her.
So since I thought that the door to the Samantha situation had closed, I talked to her and she said that she had to go to bed. I said alright...and immediately logged off and laid on the couch...silently shedding a tear for one of the first times in seven years.
This girl named Kerriann started talking to me during our Scholastic Bowl practices...and she gave me her phone number and talked to me constantly. So when I started falling down into the depths of despair yet again...she helped me get back up and we started going out...
I remember that I was so happy that I would talk to her as much as I could. She was like an antidepressant, full of the happiness I needed...and then on day 4 or so of our relationship...I realized I couldn't stop thinking about Samantha, no matter how hard I tried... so three days later...on a Wednesday....I broke up with Kerriann...and told her it was because she would hardly talk to me during lunch...I understand that she had friends to talk to, but still...don't just ignore me like I'm not even there...
So I went crying to Samantha...and she being the nice and loving person she is, told me that it'd all be okay...it would just take time. I thanked her so much, knowing that I was still head over heels for her...and then...then my heart lit up when this question popped up on my screen.
"Do you like anyone else?
"
My heart flew a million miles an hour as I realized what this might have hinted to. I breathed deeply as I responded.
"You already know who I like
"
And then a few messages later...my heart had burst open with happiness when she said that maybe we could give the whole dating thing a chance...I was feeling serotonin flood my brain as I made sure that I wasn't pushing her into anything...
So that was the day we started dating...and three days later, we made it Facebook official. Let me tell you what...this month and a week has been the happiest time in my entire fucking life...and I don't know where I'd be now. I love her with my entire heart, my soul, my mind, everything... She completes me in a way that I never even thought possible...
Um...I didn't mean for this to be a whole life story thing...but I guess that's kind of what happened...
So I'll get back on topic. A few weeks ago...John started punching me repeatedly in the ribs...and they weren't soft punches either...so I slapped him in the face and told him to go to Hell...because frankly, I was tired of putting up with his shit that I knew I didn't deserve...maybe it was deserved since I've made mistakes in the past...but I've already asked for God's forgiveness and I feel his presence as he guides me through life...
Sure I might have made mistakes in the past...but it doesn't mean I'll make them now, or in the future. They don't affect me anymore... I'm done letting my past affecting my future and I'm going to live my life as best as I can...to be happy...to be loving...to be...free from depression and bullying.
So let me leave you with a few things...
1. If you are thinking of suicide...please don't do it...there is so much to live for...and so many people that would be affected, even if they don't know it...
2. If you are bullied...don't worry. Things will get better. You can always tell somebody you trust and get the problem(s) solved in diplomatic fashion.
3. Try not to be a bully, unless you are sticking up for someone...sticking up for their safety is one thing, but hurting someone just to hurt them...that's just wrong....
and
4. You can judge me for my mistakes if you want...but I know that I have grown from my mistakes, and the person I was that made those mistakes and the person I am now are two completely different people...
I hope I may have helped at least one soul...
This is Cole, signing off with love to all. <3
Now teasing, that is absolutely different. You know that sort of happy kidding and joking around with people that actually care about your well-being. Such as "You know you'd be on the moon faster than you could get that girl to be yours." and things like that.
I have my own experiences with bullies. I've been bullied since the 4th grade, when I was in the advanced class of all places. They started labeling me "emo" and started a rumor that I was dating a girl, even though we were just friends... that was the first time I've been told that it'd be better if I just died.
Fast forward into 6th grade. You would think that starting middle school would be so much better than elementary school. You're dead wrong. I was still being made fun of for the rumor, plus I was kind of...chunky for a kid. They made fun of me during P.E. because I had a scar in my knee from stitches that didn't heal right...and that's why I couldn't run as quickly as others, plus adding the fact that I almost died from an asthma attack when I was three and still haven't recovered fully.
Sigh...finally, here's where it starts getting really bad...finally, just this past summer, I had my first girlfriend. It was long distance, but she was in Tennessee and I in Illinois. We fell madly in love with each other and talked to each other every day for three weeks. She went into the hospital, because A. She had a stillborn, and B. She had attempted suicide because of her ex...
I was heartbroken.
My whole world shattered into pieces when I thought that she had died...thank goodness, she survived...but she didn't talk to me for almost a week. I understood that she needs space after something like that...and then she broke my heart, telling me it was all my fault since I didn't talk to her and turned her friend Sean against her...when I tried talking all the time, and she didn't answer...I felt emotionally and mentally scarred... I didn't do a single thing for a week except eat, go to the bathroom, and sleep...hardly doing that much.
Then another girl came into my life named Angelica...this too, being a long distance relationship, and she was the one who helped me get through all the things Bree put me through. She lived all the way in New Jersey...we always talked to each other, at least for a few weeks... then she started becoming more and more withdrawn from me...she starting falling into depression...and I helped her through it.
But I did something I regret to this day.
I cheated on her and did some things over the email with a girl from Virginia...I didn't mean to...but I felt like I didn't matter to Angelica anymore...so I broke up with her for...three long, heart-wrenching days. I felt...cold. I felt alone. I felt...suicidal. Thankfully, I had enough self control...not to do anything stupid.
So I broke things off with the girl from Virginia...and came back, crawling on my hands and knees to Angelica...and she accepted me back, even though I always felt that she didn't trust me...how could she with the mistake I made?
So we kept that going...for another month...I felt unloved and unwanted in my soul...because I knew that I'd probably never hold her...kiss her...be able to hang out with her and hold her hand and always be there when she needed me...ever. I knew that my mom would probably go crazy without me... plus I was being pressured by my friend Brandon to get a girlfriend that's in town...
I fell deep into depression...I thought that I could never get up, but somehow...I pulled myself up, dusted myself off, recognized my mistakes for what they were and decided that I would try my very very best not to cheat on anyone...because nobody deserves to be hurt by the one they like/love.
So back on the topic of bullies, this year I had two main bullies. Colton and John. Both of them douches. Colton moved away in October so I don't have to deal with him... John, I have to deal with every day at school (since we have band together and we're the same instrument.) He punches me, calls me hurtful names, etc...
I met Samantha the day the 29th of September, the day before I broke up with Angelica...I told her... "I'm sorry Angel...but I can't handle the distance anymore...I'm getting depressed every single day because I know that I'll probably never hold you in my arms...or kiss your lips...or anything...I would have been your prince...but I know that we will probably not meet in real life...so I think it's best we end this before either of us get hurt any more than we already hurting..."
So now I know what you'll be saying. "Did you have a crush on Samantha from the second you laid eyes on her?" The answer is...yes. I thought that she is absolutely beautiful in every single way to me, from her personality, to her looks. So over the course of late night talks, drama practices, and countless hugs, I told her that I really...really liked her.
She said...that she was so sorry..but she couldn't feel like that about me...she wished that she could have, but she was still so confused about her ex...and I respected that and said that it was alright and that I'd always be there if she needed me and we continued talking, her knowing how I felt about her.
So since I thought that the door to the Samantha situation had closed, I talked to her and she said that she had to go to bed. I said alright...and immediately logged off and laid on the couch...silently shedding a tear for one of the first times in seven years.
This girl named Kerriann started talking to me during our Scholastic Bowl practices...and she gave me her phone number and talked to me constantly. So when I started falling down into the depths of despair yet again...she helped me get back up and we started going out...
I remember that I was so happy that I would talk to her as much as I could. She was like an antidepressant, full of the happiness I needed...and then on day 4 or so of our relationship...I realized I couldn't stop thinking about Samantha, no matter how hard I tried... so three days later...on a Wednesday....I broke up with Kerriann...and told her it was because she would hardly talk to me during lunch...I understand that she had friends to talk to, but still...don't just ignore me like I'm not even there...
So I went crying to Samantha...and she being the nice and loving person she is, told me that it'd all be okay...it would just take time. I thanked her so much, knowing that I was still head over heels for her...and then...then my heart lit up when this question popped up on my screen.
"Do you like anyone else?
"My heart flew a million miles an hour as I realized what this might have hinted to. I breathed deeply as I responded.
"You already know who I like
"And then a few messages later...my heart had burst open with happiness when she said that maybe we could give the whole dating thing a chance...I was feeling serotonin flood my brain as I made sure that I wasn't pushing her into anything...
So that was the day we started dating...and three days later, we made it Facebook official. Let me tell you what...this month and a week has been the happiest time in my entire fucking life...and I don't know where I'd be now. I love her with my entire heart, my soul, my mind, everything... She completes me in a way that I never even thought possible...
Um...I didn't mean for this to be a whole life story thing...but I guess that's kind of what happened...
So I'll get back on topic. A few weeks ago...John started punching me repeatedly in the ribs...and they weren't soft punches either...so I slapped him in the face and told him to go to Hell...because frankly, I was tired of putting up with his shit that I knew I didn't deserve...maybe it was deserved since I've made mistakes in the past...but I've already asked for God's forgiveness and I feel his presence as he guides me through life...
Sure I might have made mistakes in the past...but it doesn't mean I'll make them now, or in the future. They don't affect me anymore... I'm done letting my past affecting my future and I'm going to live my life as best as I can...to be happy...to be loving...to be...free from depression and bullying.
So let me leave you with a few things...
1. If you are thinking of suicide...please don't do it...there is so much to live for...and so many people that would be affected, even if they don't know it...
2. If you are bullied...don't worry. Things will get better. You can always tell somebody you trust and get the problem(s) solved in diplomatic fashion.
3. Try not to be a bully, unless you are sticking up for someone...sticking up for their safety is one thing, but hurting someone just to hurt them...that's just wrong....
and
4. You can judge me for my mistakes if you want...but I know that I have grown from my mistakes, and the person I was that made those mistakes and the person I am now are two completely different people...
I hope I may have helped at least one soul...
This is Cole, signing off with love to all. <3
